One of the first things I did after becoming a single mom was to attend a parenting seminar put on by Jim Fay.  The first line from Fay’s mouth that night may have made folks wonder.

“If you are really good parents,” he told his audience, “you will go home tonight and pray your kids make a lot of mistakes.”  The gasp from the entire group could be felt as well as heard.  “Seriously,” he continued, “you want your kids to make mistakes and learn accountability and consequences from them when the kids are still young enough the consequences aren’t injurious or fatal.”

Teaching kids to be able to look past what’s in front of them to see the bigger picture is no doubt one of the hardest jobs a parent has.  If one is successful, the result is having kids with enough judgment to make good choices, an important attribute given the kinds of temptations that face college students.

Fay’s own example of a failure as a parent involved a young man, a friend of his son’s, of whom he thought a great deal.  When he became aware the two young friends were beginning to become less close, he continued to urge his son to mend the differences and regain the friendship.  He actually became frustrated when that didn’t happen.  Then one night, a terrible accident claimed the life of his son’s buddy, and that’s when Fay learned his son had pulled away because of the friend’s growing alcohol problem.  He felt he had failed because after teaching his son to be responsible, he allowed himself to question the judgment he had worked so hard to instill.

Sooner than later, your child will sever the ties that have held him/her under your influence.  That process may or may not be sudden, so if it’s slow, you make get a second chance if you see decisions that are less than wise.  But start early.  Since you can’t possibly address every situation one can encounter in life, teaching your child to see the entire picture is one of the most valuable strategies your child can be taught.

My mother’s heart breaks when I read about the students who’ve taken their lives at Cornell University.   http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/health/2010/03/19/2010-03-19_recent_wave_of_suicides_at_cornell_leaves_parents_worried_and_students_anxious_.html I can think of no greater loss to a family.  We all expect our children to outlive us and when that doesn’t happen and suicide appears to be the cause, so many questions and doubts arise. 

It is my hope that schools will add resources to help identify students who are contemplating suicide and actively help those students make other choices before it is too late.  It seems like some schools are doing this better than others.

As for my own college age children, I am praying that they will always know that they can contact me any time day or night and that they use the resources on campus and in the community and those that I’ve worked hard to extend to them (like the student assistance plan) to help them make healthy choices.

Yay!  It’s finally time to breathe.

• Our 1099 tax form has been completed and filed and we’re getting a modest return. 
• Daughter Number Two has sat at the computer and entered the remaining data to the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) while I hunted down numbers for her from various tax forms. 
• The FAFSA is done and has been submitted to the federal government and her transfer school of choice.  (I had to recover the personal identifier number (PIN) used for Daughter Number One, but this was an easier process than I had imagined.)
• Daughter Number One has completed her bachelor and graduate degrees and is working in a job and living in a community she loves.
• Daughter Number Two is completing Winter Quarter Mid-terms at community college and preparing for a vocal scholarship audition that will occur in two weeks.
• With the help of a strong antibiotic, Daughter Number Three is recovering from three ear/nose/throat infections and got well enough in time to make a mandatory 6th Grade Band Concert last Thursday.

Now I can relax and focus on other things that need attention like my job, volunteer work, laundry and housework.

Given that my life is composed of many different relationships, responsibilities and interests, there are times when I need extra support.  Even with twenty years of being an elementary school parent, I still need the help of a consulting nurse to know when to bring my 6th Grade daughter in to the doctor for tests.  And after 35 years in the work force, I still need help from a tax accountant to put together my W2′s and 1099.  And even after having gotten one child through the full education process, my family and I still need occasional advice from financial counselors, relationship counselors and legal counselors.  For this reason, I am happy to have support like that offered by the Student Assistance Program just a phone call away.  In these difficult economic times, it is important to gather multiple resources around me so that “College Mom in Debt” doesn’t become overwhelmed and unfit to carry on in all the roles that my family and community needs me to fill.

Thankfully, even though the weather is chilly and I’m a bit weary, I am content and I have some fun things planned for my husband and I this Valentine’s Day Weekend.  I hope all college moms are faring at least as well as me this week.

A couple of summers ago, I was gifted with the opportunity to spend a morning with a well-known photographer and his college-aged daughter.  He was photographing a friend’s homestead ranch for a book he was preparing and pointing out to both Katie and me some potential photos for us to practice on.  And in between the suggestions, Katie and I chatted. 

“What school did you get your degree from?” Katie asked at one point.  Briefly I considered how to answer her.  At times I’ve regretted not having followed my heart to become a veterinarian, and I have gone to college off and on when the urge had led me in that direction.  But my career path and life choices have never gone in a direction where that’s happened. 

Finally, I just chuckled and said, “My degree has come from the school of hard knocks!”  Katie is young enough she didn’t understand that terminology, as evidenced by her confused look.  “That means most of my knowledge has come from what I’ve learned along the way.  And not all the roads I’ve traveled have been paved.” I explained.  “But I love to read, I have a strong knowledge of the English language, I write, and six years in the small market radio media have given me the ability to draw people out and learn from their experiences.”

Those are the things I want to teach my grandchildren, the love of reading, the interest of who and what surround them, and an eagerness to learn all they can.  And I hope I’m here to help encourage and direct them so they can reach their potential in such a way they will be happy, productive citizens.

“Gwamma, what do you want to be when you gwow up?” Pleased that my four-year old granddaughter thought I was young enough to still have a choice, I told her I should have been a veterinarian and asked if she knew what that was.

“Yes,” she told me. “It means you would take care of puppies, cats, and kittens.”

“That’s right”, I told her.

Almost without a pause, she kept on speaking. “When I gwow up, I want to be a teachew,” she told me. “Because to be a gwamma, you have to be owd, owd, owd!”

So much for feeling young.

Why didn’t I follow my dream? Because as a high school student without much self-esteem, I really needed someone to tell me I could. Despite my apparent affinity in working with both large and small animals on our family’s ranch, my ability was pretty much taken for granted.

Fortunately, when my oldest daughter got to the same point, her musical talent was not only apparent and recognized, it promised to help pay for a large part of her college education. And while some might point out there aren’t many who make a living in the competitive music industry, we had learned graduate schools for medicine of all kinds (which she found of strong interest) are at least as likely to choose students with a well-rounded foundation as they are to pick, for example, biology majors.

If you have an upcoming college student or a current college student not sure where to focus, help your student assess his/her interests and strong abilities. And don’t forget you know your child better than anyone else. Sometimes, it’s just an encouraging word that will make all the difference, for both of you.

As a parent of a college aged daughter I dread January. ‘Tis the season of getting taxes done early so I can get the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) completed. The FAFSA is used by the college to determine our estimated family contribution (EFC). The EFC is the amount we will be expected to pay out of pocket for school. The first time I had to complete this form (for daughter number one), I made a mistake and so the college had to help me get it corrected. Since that time I’ve used the form and tax forms from the prior year as a template for how to complete it for the next year. This means I have to get this year’s taxes done, pull out last year’s tax information and FAFSA and put on my reading glasses (yes, I’ve become visually challenged in recent years) and try to relearn the vocabulary of this form.

The first time I had to fill out the form there was no free assistance to help parents complete the form. Now the local school district offers free sessions with support for completing the form. I fully intend to utilize the free assistance. However, the assistance is only offered at our local high school from January 4-7. This means I have to get my taxes done by the 5th of January. And as you can guess, this means I’m pulling together paper work over the New Year’s holiday. What a way to spend my holiday and time off. Oh well.

One of these days my children all will be grown and out of college. When the first New Year’s Day after that time happens I will celebrate in an extra big way. Since child number three is now in 6th Grade, that is some time off, but believe me, I will celebrate when the day comes.

To all you other parents of college aged children, “Cheers and Happy New Year!”

The story below is based on a true story but the names have been changed for confidentiality.

When Tawnya’s grandmother passed away after a long and painful illness it sent the whole family into a tailspin. Grandma had been the spiritual head of the family. She was the one that family members went to when they wanted advice or comfort. With Grandma gone the family stopped attending faith based meetings and stopped celebrating spiritual holidays. Family traditions were dropped. Tawnya’s mother became somewhat bitter. Her father became mildly depressed. And her sisters became somewhat withdrawn. But Tawnya was impacted most of all.

18 months after Grandma had passed away, Tawnya was in college and hours from home. Then Tawnya began to eat less. She found it hard to get out of bed in the morning. She lost her motivation for school. She took less care of her attire and grooming.

Amy was Tawnya’s friend. Amy listened to Tawnya day after day as she became more sad, more irritable and more unfocused in her school work and even in her conversations. Amy was interested in the medical field and so watched many documentaries and television dramas about medical topics. One day she watched a drama about a teen who was suffering from clinical depression. This prompted her to go online to look up “signs of depression”. She found a list like the one at http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression and realized that Tawnya was exhibiting nearly every sign of depression. She talked with Tawnya about this and asked Tawnya to tell her parents and to ask for help, but Tawnya did not act on what Amy told her. The next week Tawnya began to talk about wanting to be dead and having specific ideas about how she might take her life. This prompted Amy to call Amy’s mom.

Amy’s mom had worked in the medical field for years and quickly said, “Amy this is too big an issue for you to try to solve on your own. You need to involve a responsible adult from the college that Tawnya trusts.”
Amy contacted a favorite professor that both Tawnya and Amy liked and trusted. The professor agreed that it sounded like Tawnya was in trouble and committed to call Tawnya into her office to talk with her immediately.

When Tawnya got the call, Amy was in the room. Tawnya’s first response was anger. She asked Amy, “How dare you share my personal problems with someone else. I told you those things in confidence.”
However, Tawnya went that day to meet with the professor. The professor heard Tawnya out and then, while Tawnya was there, she phoned Tawnya’s parents.

Within that week Tawnya was seen by a mental health professional, diagnosed with clinical depression and started on anti-depressants. She told Amy that she was sorry she acted mad and that she was actually glad that Amy had cared enough to involve someone who could help her get better. Within two weeks, Tawnya was feeling better and showing more interest in eating, getting proper rest and doing well in school. Tawnya and Amy retained their friendship and Tawnya got involved in the crisis help line at school. When she tells her story, she talks about how important it is to get professional help for a friend who is suffering from depression even if it could mean the loss of a friend. Confidentiality and friendship are less important than saving someone’s life.

When daughter number one was transitioning between college and graduate school she opted to go to New Orleans, a city where we didn’t know anyone. She insisted on going straight from college graduation to New Orleans. She was to have a job starting in six weeks and would be in school at Tulane University and living off school loans in two and a half months. But in the meantime, she had no money, no job and nowhere to live. A week before she was to fly to the new city, she asked one of her college professors to contact a church in the city to ask if a family from the church could provide temporary housing. A family responded to the request.

I am so thankful to this family. They provided her a room at no cost for six weeks. They fed her, befriended her, helped her get temporary work at the church as a secretary and helped her transition to her job and housing at a non-profit organization and helped her transition from college life to graduate school life.

This family started as strangers and became friends. Their generosity and kindliness has been an inspiration to our daughter and to our whole family. Now when we get calls to help a student who is coming to our town, we respond positively because we remember that this student is someone else’s child who needs a caring family to help him/her make a transition.

Thank you to those who take in strangers and care for them as though they were family!

Identity theft happens regardless of gender, age or ethnicity. In fact, a growing target is among university students.

Many people turn to identity recovery programs once they have become the victim of identity fraud. Or they may attempt to “clean up” the incident themselves. However, there are companies out there, such as ID Theft Assist, that have your back – not just when you or your family get hit but also prior to any id theft mishap. For just over $7 a month, you and your family can have the protection you need.

There are many identity recovery programs available. However, not all offer the same services so it’s important to look into what they provide. Do they file a criminal report and forward the report to creditors? Do they help replace your credit cards and id cards? Do they report fraud to social security administration? Do they assist with obtaining a real-time credit report? Do they offer cash advances? Do they cover your family members? ID Theft Assist offers all the above and more.

ID Theft Assist covers you and your family before and after any identity mishap. They provide unlimited phone support and in-person emotional trauma support that their competitors don’t offer. They actively monitor your credit and alert you of activity prior to any incident.

ID Theft Assist is worldwide with representatives in over 200 countries. Plus they provide language translation services.

For more information about this service, visit http://www.studentassistanceplan.com/idtheft.php.

The phone rings and a familiar voice gasps, “Mom?” And then sounds of sobbing come over the line. My motherly mind races through several sad scenarios and I have to rein in my thoughts of the possible worst to simply ask, “What’s wrong?”

Then regardless of what my college-aged child has to tell me, I have to keep from judging her and the others involved and try to identify any practical piece of comfort or advice that I can give. Sometimes no ideas come and I just need to let her cry and tell her I love her and I am sorry she is going through this situation. If she’s in her room I can encourage her to grab the comforter I made and wrap it around herself so she can feel the hug I am trying to send through the phone while we talk… If she’s sick or injured I can encourage her to call a classmate to help get her to the school infirmary or to an emergency room. If she’s in an airport in an unfamiliar city exhausted and unsure of when she’ll be able to fly out and learning how uncertain flying on standby can be, then I can encourage her to find a chair in a corner and take a nap until she can think clearly and then call me back. If she’s been hurt by a relationship that isn’t going in the direction she desired, then I can listen to the details and then encourage her to seek out an activity that will keep her mind and body active as she continues to mentally and emotionally process through just what has happened.

Occasionally, her father and I have a practical solution to offer. Her father can talk through how to fix a computer or car problem or we can refer her to a resource that can meet her need. But more often than not we can’t supply the practical solution she needs.

It has taken some years for me to learn that we do not need to have the answers. Our daughter knows we don’t always have the answers. She just needs us to care and to listen. And while we hate to have her go through the pain of these experiences, looking back we can see how each experience has helped her to grow and move forward.

Throughout the years as a college mom, I’ve had to learn that there are many things beyond my control. If I spend too much time worrying about these things, I cannot be the mother my children need me to be. Even when my children are grown and far from home, they rely on me to be clear minded, caring and insightful. I can only be these things by being healthy – eating well, getting enough rest and attending to my soul as well as my body. Just as a mother of a preschooler needs a support system, a mother of college age children also needs a support system. For this reason I have used AffinityCare Student Assistance Plan and sought out other women who currently have or have had college aged children. I ask them questions about how they have coped with their fears and worries and I take their advice. This advice has ranged from encouragement to pray, get more exercise, take a nap, get out and do something fun with your husband, etc. It’s all been good advice and so I extend it to other parents who need to comfort their college children across the miles.