Before your college student daughter (or son) comes home for the holidays there are some things you should probably tell her such as:

1. We’ve remodeled your room – it is now an office.
2. You will be bunking in your sister’s room.
3. Most of your things are stored in boxes in the garage.  You can retrieve them when you graduate and get your own place to live.
4. Your dog has something like Alzheimer’s and may treat you like a stranger.
5. Your sisters have been waiting for you to get home.  They expect you to empty the dishwasher and scrub the tubs again.
6. You’re right – life is not fair – I am raising your younger siblings differently than I raised you.
7. I never said I knew everything.  You just thought I did until you got to college and learned better.
8. That new vocabulary you’ve learned at school can be used at home if it is said in a respectful manner (and is acceptable in mixed company who actually know what you’re saying) just in case I should accidentally begin repeating what you’re saying.
9. The hours you kept at school will not be the hours you keep at home.
10. What you ate at school will not be what you eat at home unless you pay for it, cook it and clean up afterwards.

Humor aside, it is important to share with your student any changes that have been made in their absence and to exchange expectations for how the time at home will be spent.  Health changes in any member of the family, pets or close friends or associates are especially important to share.

While at home your student will want to participate in some of your family’s holiday traditions but also will want to spend time reconnecting with friends from high school and the community.  Talking through the family calendar and how your student will reintegrate into that calendar will save a lot of grief.
It is also important for you to be aware that your student may look, talk, walk, dress and eat differently than before she went away to school.  Some students gain the “Freshman 10 to 50” pounds and others may lose weight.  It is also not uncommon for them to have a radically new hair style and perhaps hair color.

It is also important to know that your student may get sick while at home.  I know that nearly every holiday when I came home after a semester away I would be sick for at least three days.  At school I couldn’t afford to get sick, but when I got home and knew I was finally in a place where I’d be helped I could get sick.  I remember how frustrated my mother was when it would take the whole two weeks home just to get me rested and well enough to send me back to school, but I am so thankful she took this role in helping me be successful in college.

One note for you as parent is that it will help if you find other parents who have recently had children in college.  You can compare notes with them and hopefully find some ways to help your family make the transitions ahead with good humor and ease.

While at college my daughters have developed new relationships. As they have explored these relationships they have asked me to be a sounding board, someone with whom they can talk about these relationships.

If asked, my daughters would tell you that I do fairly well when it comes to providing ideas on how to improve relationships with other women at school. However, they would also tell you that my advice is not very helpful when it comes to relationships with men. This is because there is one significant barrier regarding relationships with men. That barrier is vocabulary.

You see, the language of relationships between men and women has radically changed since I was a girl.

In the late 1960s “going steady” was something fifth and sixth graders did. A boy and girl who were going steady actually never really went anywhere together off the school grounds. It simply was a term that meant they liked each other and wanted to be considered exclusive in their relationship and might even exchange gifts like friendship or Mizpah half hearts that made up a whole necklace or a tin of homemade fudge for a fountain pen.

In the 1970s and early 1980’s “dating” meant that a young man and young woman scheduled an activity together and would use that time to explore whether they wanted to spend even more time together. Dating could occur as group dating or as solo dating and solo dating a series of different young men was acceptable as long as physical contact was limited. And then, when dating would become limited to just one young man, that man then was titled “boyfriend”.

The next steps could include “becoming promised” (signified by a promise ring), “becoming engaged” (signified by an engagement ring) and then getting married (signified by an elaborate ceremony).

For my daughters, “going steady” is an unknown term replaced by “going out”, “going with” and “going together” which each can mean something different (don’t ask me about the distinctions between them because even after eight years of conversations I still “don’t get it”). However, it is possible that all three “going” phrases don’t actually mean going anywhere together. What I consider really noncommittal questions like “do you want to hang out” and “are we dating now” can mean “will you be my boyfriend?” and “having a dtr” means having a conversation in which the couple defines the relationship.

There are also regional differences in terms. In one private college in a small mid-western town “they’re frugaling” means that everyone believes this couple is “dating” (planning on getting married) but they haven’t admitted it publicly yet.

So as a parent what do I do about this communication gap? I simply say, “When you are at home, my definitions apply. When you are with your friends and acquaintances at school you can use your own terms.”
So is there any consolation in this? Yes, I can better understand now my parents and grandparents frustration when they were mentoring me about heterosexual relationships. They used phrases like “getting pinned” (signified by the young man giving the girl his fraternity pin) and “courting”.
Even with our very best efforts as the older generation, we need others to come alongside our young adult offspring to help them navigate new relationships because we simply aren’t going to be able to “get it right” all the time.

When I was a college student, I was hit by depression from more than one direction. I was over 2,000 miles from home. I was the oldest of four siblings and until I left for college I had had significant responsibility for the daily routine of my two youngest siblings. When I left home for school, not only was my personal routine seriously disrupted, but also my family’s routine at home was seriously disrupted. My parents had a rocky relationship and the “D” word was often brought up in front of my younger siblings. For most of my college years my father was laid off from his long-time employer. My mother suffered from a serious thyroid condition and for monetary reasons was not taking her medicine. Reports from my siblings at home about threats of suicide and heated arguments prompted me to phone home as often as I could afford to do so. However, as a first generation four year college student on a full-ride scholarship from a low income family, I couldn’t afford to fly home and make things better. I could only phone home and try to listen, speak encouragement and pray.

At the same time that all this was going on at home, I was very lonely at school. As a freshman I didn’t realize that campus shut down for the holidays and I was brought to tears when I realized I had nowhere to go for Thanksgiving. My roommate was only hours from home but she didn’t like me. She had hoped for an affluent roommate who could afford to invite her home for the holidays. Needless to say I was a big disappointment to her. Thankfully, another classmate took pity on me and invited me home with her and I had a lovely and restful week with her family.

Not only was my mom highly depressed during my college years, but through my four years at college as I walked through campus there were times when I thought of dying and even had specific ideas of how that could happen. Prior to college I had never had suicidal thoughts. At home I had had a place I could go (a hogsback or big hill behind my house that I could climb up) and from there I could either scream out loud with no one to hear me or just sit and let the wind blow as I looked down at my house, my high school and the town where I lived and worked. Getting that perspective from on high served to calm me and help me put the issues in my life in proper perspective. At school I had nowhere where I felt I could safely get away from people. While I was doing well in my classes, I often had thoughts that the school had made a mistake, I thought I wasn’t really good enough to be there.

Thankfully, I found friends who could sympathize with my depression and loneliness. Many of these friends were students from other countries – some of whom pointed out that I was actually further from home than they were. One friend my freshman year was an upper class student who had a severe eating disorder. Her own struggles had caused her to be very observant and perceptive and she picked up on some of my behaviors as indicating depression. She took me aside and expressed her concern and just that simple conversation helped me feel I wasn’t as alone as I thought.

Now as a mother of three daughters, I am happy to report that so far none of my daughters have exhibited depression behaviors and yet they have each had friends who did. Each time a friend has confided suicidal thoughts to one of my daughters, I have encouraged that daughter to seek out one adult who that friend trusted and I have supported my daughter in contacting that adult to ask for help in addressing the situation. Each time the friend at first was angry over what she perceived as a breach in confidentiality, but then as that one trustworthy adult actually helped implement an intervention within a few days the friend was thankful that my daughter cared enough to enlist help.

From experience, I know that depression, especially in the form of suicidal thoughts, is serious, and usually requires the help of professionals to get safely beyond. Because I know struggles happen even in healthy families, I encourage people to use the resources that are available to them and I am happy to recommend resources like www.studentassistanceplan.com. I subscribe to this service for my daughters because it is an affordable support system for students who don’t have a hogsback to climb or a friend who’s been there to help when help is needed. The peace of mind is well worth the low monthly expense.

When my daughters call or Skype me to ask for advice on how to deal with anxiety in college (whether it be handling separation anxiety or overcoming test anxiety), the first thing I say is that it is possible to be calm even in a storm.  I remind them that it is normal to be somewhat stressed when they are away from home and to be anxious before exams, but that being overly anxious is not a necessary evil.

I ask them for the details of what is stressing them and often find that there are multiple issues going on all at once including homesickness, unresolved relationship issues, lack of sleep, unhealthy diet and a lack of normal routines.

I ask a series of questions such as do you have the comforter I made you?  Who can you talk to there about this?  What are you doing for exercise?  How much sleep are you getting?  Is there any opportunity to take a short nap?  How often, how much, when and what are you eating?

As I get responses, I say things like, Okay, wrap yourself up in the comforter so you can feel yourself hugged while we talk…  I think you should run that by your friend (or mentor) to get more feedback before you make a decision…  Make time to take a run at least three times a week, you know how you feel better when you are running regularly.  Find a church or small group that will help you stay on track with your faith…  I’m serious about getting at least 8 hours of sleep a day and getting into a regular schedule, you’ll be amazed how a lot of these issues will get better when you can simply tackle them with a clear and rested mind… Is there something you can take into the room when you take your test?  I know I always feel better when I have a fist full of sharpened pencils in my hand…  Stop eating all the sugar and caffeine, you know you feel better when you eat healthy…  Do the simple things like make your bed and empty the garbage can, you’ll find that you and your roommate are happier when you do… Rather than talk to one friend about another friend, have you tried talking directly to the one who is bothering  you?  It’s better to keep things simple and involve as few people as possible when you are having a disagreement.

While this may sound like a lot of nagging, it’s the basic stuff that my daughters want to hear from me.  And when the simple stuff is not enough, it’s my job to help refer them to other resources that can go deeper.  There are a lot of great resources available.  There are people on campus that can be sought out such as the residency advisor, school counselor, school chaplain or dean of students.  Plus there is a medical clinic on campus and free crisis phone lines.  There are also online resources such as www.campuscalm.com with its 10 affirmations to calm college student stress.

And when these resources don’t go deep enough or feel confidential enough, there also is the Student Assistance Plan that provides confidential professional support by telephone 24/7.  This plan provides mental health, relationship, legal and financial counseling to my daughters for less cost than the medical plan I have for our dog.  It gives my daughters and me peace of mind to know that they are each equipped to respond to minor and major sources of stress even when far from home.  And when their stress is reduced, so is mine.  Funny how it works that way even when they’re not at home.

One mom, Kris Sieraki of Elkhart Indiana, shares her experience with helping her daughter transition from high school to college.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32634569/ns/us_news-the_elkhart_project/sp-tx#sp-vi/32468163

We did not save enough money to finance our daughters’ full college educations.  In fact, the amount we had in savings would only have gotten one of our daughters through a few months of school.

It wasn’t that we hadn’t tried to save the money.  It was just that life kept happening.  I got sick and had to make serious changes to get well again.  My husband grew tired of working for others and so we started our own business which took years to turn profitable.  We had a third child.  You know how it goes — mostly good stuff — but life interruptions, nonetheless.

So we had to make some tough decisions.

One set of decisions we made was to choose not to provide our daughters with cars to drive and not even to add them to our auto insurance so they could drive our car.  While our daughters often have reminded us that many of their friends had cars or were driving their parents cars from sophomore year of high school on, we reminded them that the thousands of dollars we saved and continue to save each year was going directly into their educations.  And those educations, in turn, would allow each of them to buy a much better car than we could have provided them at age 16.  We also reminded them that we were/are able to drive them wherever they need to go – not cool, but practical.

Another set of decisions was to help our daughters apply for multiple scholarships – help them complete the numerous forms, interviews and steps required.  Through this process we found that it was good to go after scholarships that were new.  Often the number of applicants for a new scholarship opportunity is not as great as for scholarships that have been around for a while.  Therefore, the chance of getting a new scholarship is considerably higher than for older scholarships.  We also found that going for scholarships that were only open to limited groups such as only open to members of a certain credit union or only open to residents of certain cities (such as Chamber of Commerce or Rotary sponsored scholarships) helped increase the chance of getting a scholarship.

Another decision we made was to get our taxes and the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) done as early as possible each year.  This is a significant pain (did I say that?), I mean worthwhile effort.  Some years daughter number one and I would be on the phone and online in the FAFSA website at the same time so as to complete the form accurately and early.  I remember the trips to the filing cabinet to pull data and running back to the computer to enter data.  However, in the end it was worth it because completing the form proved that our income level was low enough each year to allow our daughters to receive some grants as well as low interest loans.

Finally, we made the decision to take out loans – some that our daughters will need to repay and others (more) that we as parents are repaying.  While we tried as much as possible to avoid debt, we have chosen to believe that educational loans are good debt because they will help each of our daughters become independent and should result in an increase in earning power for each of our daughters.

While “collegemomindebt” may not be one of my most enjoyable roles, it is one I embrace because I am looking for the long term reward, not the short term financial situation.

“How can you let her go so far from home?” is a question that many of my friends asked when my firstborn opted to go 2,101 miles from home to go to college.

“How can I make her stay when she’s confident that she’s supposed to go?” was my response.

“How can she be so confident?”

“She did the research.  She went online and sought schools that met all her parameters and then she went and visited the school during Spring Break of her junior year in high school.  She loves it there.”

“But won’t you miss her?”  Now this is the real question and there is an undertone that makes it clear that the questioner is really asking me whether I care.  The questioner suspects that I lack in the maternal feeling department because I haven’t publicly cried or complained.  But rather than let guilt or fear engulf me, I respond with…

“Of course, I’ll miss her terribly, but I have peace that this is what she is supposed to do. ”

It is important to understand that my firstborn is a typical firstborn.  When she enters the room the energy level steps up at least four times.  She is a whirlwind.  Trying to keep up with her speech and her movement can be exhausting for me and everyone else around her.  So when she is absent the house is noticeably quieter and calmer and in truth, she is missed.  The energy and excitement are missed.

So how did I handle the absences that occurred each school term? 

Well, it helped that there was my husband and two younger children still at home with whom I could commiserate and spend more time with developing relationships.  But, it also helped tremendously to get involved in some new things outside the home.  Over the course of the four years I helped launch some musical activities like a Christmas program at church and a handbell choir in a local elementary school and I experimented with growing new things in my vegetable garden.  I sought out those things I enjoy most – hobbies that had been neglected when there were three daughters at home consuming my time.

An unexpected bonus about starting some new things was that when the firstborn daughter came home she saw that life does go on even when she isn’t home.  This in turn helped the somewhat egocentric firstborn deal with the fact that her sisters were taller and more mature each time she came home.  And this helped her treasure the time she had home with them even more.

My second born is going to a local community college for the first two years of her degree program.  She is now in her second year so I’ve been able to have a second daughter in college without really having to let go. 

When she does leave for the four year school of her choice it will be across the state (291 miles away).  I am anticipating that this will be a harder adjustment for me and so have been on the look out for other things that I can engage in when she leaves.

I’m not saying that letting go is easy, but when you know that your child is pursuing an education that will help her achieve her goals and that you are actually choosing to go into some debt for this experience, you seek positive ways to move forward with you own life as your child moves on with hers.  And the process becomes as valuable as the outcome.

I am College Mom in Debt.  I am 48 years old.  

Both my husband and I were the first generation in each of our families to secure a four year college education.  I remember the sacrifices my parents made to get me to and through college.  And my husband remembers the personal sacrifices he made as he made his own way through while in the military and after completing military service. 

Together my husband and I are paying it forward as we support the next generation in getting four year degrees.   We have succeeded in getting one daughter through college, have one in college and have one who will go to college in about seven years.

And yes, we are in debt over the endeavor of helping finance our daughters’ educations, but we consider it good debt as our oldest is already independent and finding her own ways to pay it forward.

I am writing about my experiences and observations in the AffinityCare Student Assistance Plan in hopes that other parents and their students will be helped by them.